Fall Back

Today I let the boys watch the video of my ultrasound. We've been meaning to watch it for weeks...almost 10 weeks to be exact. I put the tape in and all I got was a weird static like screen. Oh great...it didn't record.

Scott who was working at home today, came in to help. He figured out the tape was just rewound so tight that it was moving. So he managed to get it loosened up by fast forwarding it and then we rewound it. About 15 minutes of fidgeting for 3 minutes of video. I thought the lady had recorded the whole thing, but no..........she edited it to simply the heartbeat, profile, gender shots, you know the basic stuff. I was actually wanting to look and see if I could figure out the cyst thing they were talking about finding on the baby's brain.

Nathanuel was really excited to see the video and asked to watch it again. So I rewound the 3 (or less) measly minutes of the 30 minute ultrasound that was actually recorded and hit play again.

I did get excited to see my little baby on the big screen though. I have to admit, I'm really starting to get excited about this little one, especially now that I'm hitting the third trimester. My fears and apprehension are starting to be replaced with excitment and anticipation...but a little voice inside me told me today, "don't get too excited. You don't want to get your hopes up just to be let down..."

Obviously, that wasn't a message from God. I don't believe he works that way, but something in me wants to be protected from the possibility that God may fail me. I know God is doing something in me right now with all that. But it's hard to trust. I keep reading Captivating and keep crying. This book is pushing me to take that next step, but I apologize to God. "Sorry, I just can't. Not yet. I'm not ready to trust you."

Saturday evening at church we had an awesome praise and worship. I sat there and closed my eyes and I heard THAT voice. The one you know isn't you. Someone greater than you is talking. "Fall back."

"huh?" I was feeling a bit slow. What the heck does that mean? Fall back?

I kept my eyes shut, and then I saw a picture of a woman falling back. She was standing there, calm, loose, and trusting...and she fell back. Then I saw the arms that caught her.

Ahhhhhh...I get it. When I was just a kid, I remember the youth pastor using that whole scenerio as an example of trust. Fall back and trust that the person behind you is going to catch you.

"So You are saying You want me to let You catch me." I tell God. I get it.

Yes, He wanted me to let Him catch me. And I saw the rest of the picture. The woman falling back, falling into those arms, and the arms dipping the woman's body in water and bringing her back up.

I've been baptized. I know what that's all about. But this was a bit different - this wasn't an issue of salvation or publicly proclaiming my love for Christ, burying the old and coming up new. He was speaking to me without words. He was using an image that would stick with me. If I'm willing to fall back, He will catch me, bury the old scared, untrusting me, and bring me back up refreshed, renewed, bold, and trusting.

I'd love to fall back, but I can't just yet. I'm not ready, but I feel like He's waiting patiently, coaxing me along. I'll keep reading Captivating, then I'll go back and read it again. First I just need to absorb the truth. Then I will be ready to speak it, walk in it. Maybe then I'll be ready.