I'm Just Going To Get Real About My Feelings On Childbirth

I’ve been in a funk. Sure, Scott being gone might have something to do with it, but I honestly believe that if he was here, the things I’ve been questioning would have just been put on hold and I wouldn’t have dealt with them until I was absolutely forced to.

So I’ve been forced to look at some things and now it’s time for some honesty.

This pregnancy has me scared. For some reason, I’m scared out of my wits. I know that hormones play a part, but I have days where I’m thinking random crazy thoughts, like:

Somethings wrong. I can just feel it. Something bad is about to happen.

Is something wrong with my baby? Something just doesn’t feel right.

I can’t do this. I can’t go through this pregnancy. I’m just not strong enough, I don’t have the energy! (Melissa, you LOVE being pregnant. What are you talking about?)

Ugh, I can’t stay in a hospital for three days again! I don’t want to sit around in a bed and be bored out of my mind!

And that’s when it me! I’ve been seriously considering a VBAC birth this time around. I actually thought about it with Madison, but all it took was for me to hit one website with a couple’s tragic story of how they lost their baby due to a VBAC delivery gone wrong and I was done. When I went into labor the morning I was scheduled for a C-Section, I briefly reconsidered trying a VBAC delivery again, but after talking to my doctor, he convinced me that I should just go with the c-section. Now don’t get me wrong, he was a GREAT Dr. and I felt he took great care of me, but I didn’t have the confidence that if something went wrong, that he was fully prepared, and he didn’t feel confident that I could deliver vaginally, and I figured if my doctor said I couldn’t do it, well, then I probably couldn’t do it.

And that got me to thinking about my first delivery. They induced me a week early with Joshua because I had pre-eclampsia and things got so bad they decided to “call me in to talk about a plan” and once I showed up, they said, “Here’s your room.” That’s when they started the very painful induction, including inserting a balloon up me to help me dialate. It took the nurse forever to do that and I was in complete agony. They continued to increase the pitocin throughout the night, and after 12 hours of hard labor, I was asking for relief from my pain.

24 1/2 hours later and it was finally time to push. I pushed and pushed for 2 1/2 hours but Joshua’s head wouldn’t budge. They checked, and I heard the doctor say, “She’s too tired to continue pushing. We’ll just schedule a C-Section.” At that point I was so damn drugged up that even though inside I was thinking, “No I’m not! I could keep pushing!” I didn’t say anything. And since I was so damn drugged up, I looked at my mom who was crying for me and I said, “I don’t even care. I just want this to be over with.”

And now I think about it and I wonder. What if the doctor said, “How do you feel Melissa? Do you feel like you can keep pushing or would you like us to cut you open and then staple you shut in a quickie surgery that is way more convenient for us and will cost you 6 weeks of your life to recover and a year of post-partum depression?” I’m thinking I would have said, “I’ll keep pushing!” How I wish I’d said something now! How I wish I’d stayed off the drugs. But I guess the past is in the past.

Still, I never gave myself the chance to mourn. I rationalized my silence over the matter with the idea that something bad could have happened to the baby (even though he was in NO distress during my labor). The truth is, I felt like less of a woman because I didn’t give birth to my babies the way God created me to. I’m not saying that I am less of a woman, but this is how I feel. I feel that I wasn’t given the chance. I feel like I didn’t have the support and encouragement I needed to succeed in childbirth. I feel like I needed someone to believe in me and speak up for me when I couldn’t. But we’re all so used to letting the doctor tell us what we are and aren’t capable of that we’ve forgotten that they are there to help us, we are paying them for their services yet we are letting them make major medical decisions that impact our lives, not theirs!

My only concern is that my risk for a uterin rupture is higher because my last pregnancy/delivery won’t have been 2 years apart from this pregnancy. Fortunately, I did find a doctor who has an “Open philosophy” to childbirth and has experience with not only natural drug free birth, but VBAC. I will talk to him about the risks after my first ultrasound (which has yet to be scheduled!)

But after going online and researching and thinking about things, I’m starting to feel better about this. If I never try, then I feel like I’ve truly failed, but if I at least give it my all - if I eat healthy, excercise, read up, take classes, do everything in my power to succeed in a natural childbirth, then if I fail, at least I can say that it just wasn’t meant to be.

So I’m off on a mission to start researching and learning and reading up on everything that I can. I admit with my raging hormones I’m probably going to still be in a bit of a funk until I’ve come to terms with the fact that maybe things could have been different with my last two childbirth experiences.

I tend to be a chicken shit at times and make decisons based off my fear. I’ll do anything to prevent a tragedy! So I’m thinking this time that I need to pray real hard about the motivation behind my decisions and if I still feel at peace about doing this, then I do this all the way.

Wow. I know this is completely off subject, but I never thought I’d cuss and talk about praying in the same paragraph! I’m totally hormonal!

Just Make It Through The Weekend

I woke up this morning and peaked out the window by my font door. A wave of sadness hit me as I saw the minivan was gone. My husband left me for four nights, five days and is on an airplane heading towards the West Coast. He has business to tend to in California and since he's going to be so close to family, he figured he probably should be a good son and go visit his parents.

So I get to endure the entire weekend with five kids and an increasing bout of nausea without him. I've been feeling a little more nausious anyway, but last night it hit hard. A friend told me to try anything with ginger, so Scott started with Gingersnap cookies last night. That just made things worse. So he started to pour some gingerale, which actually has helped quite a bit over the last couple of days. I ended up rushing to the kitchen as he was pouring and swiped the glass out of his hands. I will do just about anything to keep myself from throwing up because I hate it, hate it, hate it! And I knew it was coming. So I started slowly drinking my gingerale. I made it through the night without embracing the porceline throne, but barely. I was miserable most of the night. I'm not even six weeks along and this is what I'm dealing with. I really hope things don't get worse, especially over the weekend!

Obviously these hormones are really strong this time around. Maybe the whole brain shrinking during pregnancy thing gave me a little amnesia but I don't remember feeling this...bitchy so early in my other pregnancies. My poor kids and poor husband. Things just drive me crazy! One minute I want to scream, another minute I want to cry. I really have to get control of myself!

First OB Appointment!

I've decided that with my raging hormones, I'm just not going to be happy! I am, but I'm not. See? I AM pregnant, aren't I?

I went in for my first appointment today. It was stressful trying to get there. Construction traffic. Stupid GPS telling me I was there when I wasn't. Or was I and I just didn't know it? Scott got there before I did and started the paperwork for me and I was an emotional wreck by the time I got there. I hate being late.

I saw the NP, her name was Michelle and she has the same last name I do. That was kind of funny. I really liked her and feel good about the doctor I chose. They have an "Open Philosophy" basically meaning, what mama wants, mama gets, at least until it just isn't possible.
After talking to her a little bit, I wasn't so emotional. Maybe because we spent a good part of the appointment laughing.

But by the time I got back into my mini-van, I was about to burst into tears. Why? Because I remembered the numbers on the scale. Yes, I weigh 1 lb. less than what I weighed at my last Dr.'s appointment (at the Urgent Care Clinic last month) but when I started to think about my weight with my last two pregnancies, I realized that I am currently heavier this pregnancy than I was with either of my last two pregnancies! I wanted to cry so bad, but I had to drive myself and my three kids home.

I can NOT gain as much weight as I did with Madison. This time, I'm going to have to be more active and very careful about what I eat (Note to self: Throw away the Halloween candy after the kids go to sleep. Blame it on Dad).

I'm just glad I hit the gym today. At least I can say I'm trying.