I'm Just Going To Get Real About My Feelings On Childbirth

I’ve been in a funk. Sure, Scott being gone might have something to do with it, but I honestly believe that if he was here, the things I’ve been questioning would have just been put on hold and I wouldn’t have dealt with them until I was absolutely forced to.

So I’ve been forced to look at some things and now it’s time for some honesty.

This pregnancy has me scared. For some reason, I’m scared out of my wits. I know that hormones play a part, but I have days where I’m thinking random crazy thoughts, like:

Somethings wrong. I can just feel it. Something bad is about to happen.

Is something wrong with my baby? Something just doesn’t feel right.

I can’t do this. I can’t go through this pregnancy. I’m just not strong enough, I don’t have the energy! (Melissa, you LOVE being pregnant. What are you talking about?)

Ugh, I can’t stay in a hospital for three days again! I don’t want to sit around in a bed and be bored out of my mind!

And that’s when it me! I’ve been seriously considering a VBAC birth this time around. I actually thought about it with Madison, but all it took was for me to hit one website with a couple’s tragic story of how they lost their baby due to a VBAC delivery gone wrong and I was done. When I went into labor the morning I was scheduled for a C-Section, I briefly reconsidered trying a VBAC delivery again, but after talking to my doctor, he convinced me that I should just go with the c-section. Now don’t get me wrong, he was a GREAT Dr. and I felt he took great care of me, but I didn’t have the confidence that if something went wrong, that he was fully prepared, and he didn’t feel confident that I could deliver vaginally, and I figured if my doctor said I couldn’t do it, well, then I probably couldn’t do it.

And that got me to thinking about my first delivery. They induced me a week early with Joshua because I had pre-eclampsia and things got so bad they decided to “call me in to talk about a plan” and once I showed up, they said, “Here’s your room.” That’s when they started the very painful induction, including inserting a balloon up me to help me dialate. It took the nurse forever to do that and I was in complete agony. They continued to increase the pitocin throughout the night, and after 12 hours of hard labor, I was asking for relief from my pain.

24 1/2 hours later and it was finally time to push. I pushed and pushed for 2 1/2 hours but Joshua’s head wouldn’t budge. They checked, and I heard the doctor say, “She’s too tired to continue pushing. We’ll just schedule a C-Section.” At that point I was so damn drugged up that even though inside I was thinking, “No I’m not! I could keep pushing!” I didn’t say anything. And since I was so damn drugged up, I looked at my mom who was crying for me and I said, “I don’t even care. I just want this to be over with.”

And now I think about it and I wonder. What if the doctor said, “How do you feel Melissa? Do you feel like you can keep pushing or would you like us to cut you open and then staple you shut in a quickie surgery that is way more convenient for us and will cost you 6 weeks of your life to recover and a year of post-partum depression?” I’m thinking I would have said, “I’ll keep pushing!” How I wish I’d said something now! How I wish I’d stayed off the drugs. But I guess the past is in the past.

Still, I never gave myself the chance to mourn. I rationalized my silence over the matter with the idea that something bad could have happened to the baby (even though he was in NO distress during my labor). The truth is, I felt like less of a woman because I didn’t give birth to my babies the way God created me to. I’m not saying that I am less of a woman, but this is how I feel. I feel that I wasn’t given the chance. I feel like I didn’t have the support and encouragement I needed to succeed in childbirth. I feel like I needed someone to believe in me and speak up for me when I couldn’t. But we’re all so used to letting the doctor tell us what we are and aren’t capable of that we’ve forgotten that they are there to help us, we are paying them for their services yet we are letting them make major medical decisions that impact our lives, not theirs!

My only concern is that my risk for a uterin rupture is higher because my last pregnancy/delivery won’t have been 2 years apart from this pregnancy. Fortunately, I did find a doctor who has an “Open philosophy” to childbirth and has experience with not only natural drug free birth, but VBAC. I will talk to him about the risks after my first ultrasound (which has yet to be scheduled!)

But after going online and researching and thinking about things, I’m starting to feel better about this. If I never try, then I feel like I’ve truly failed, but if I at least give it my all - if I eat healthy, excercise, read up, take classes, do everything in my power to succeed in a natural childbirth, then if I fail, at least I can say that it just wasn’t meant to be.

So I’m off on a mission to start researching and learning and reading up on everything that I can. I admit with my raging hormones I’m probably going to still be in a bit of a funk until I’ve come to terms with the fact that maybe things could have been different with my last two childbirth experiences.

I tend to be a chicken shit at times and make decisons based off my fear. I’ll do anything to prevent a tragedy! So I’m thinking this time that I need to pray real hard about the motivation behind my decisions and if I still feel at peace about doing this, then I do this all the way.

Wow. I know this is completely off subject, but I never thought I’d cuss and talk about praying in the same paragraph! I’m totally hormonal!

Just Make It Through The Weekend

I woke up this morning and peaked out the window by my font door. A wave of sadness hit me as I saw the minivan was gone. My husband left me for four nights, five days and is on an airplane heading towards the West Coast. He has business to tend to in California and since he's going to be so close to family, he figured he probably should be a good son and go visit his parents.

So I get to endure the entire weekend with five kids and an increasing bout of nausea without him. I've been feeling a little more nausious anyway, but last night it hit hard. A friend told me to try anything with ginger, so Scott started with Gingersnap cookies last night. That just made things worse. So he started to pour some gingerale, which actually has helped quite a bit over the last couple of days. I ended up rushing to the kitchen as he was pouring and swiped the glass out of his hands. I will do just about anything to keep myself from throwing up because I hate it, hate it, hate it! And I knew it was coming. So I started slowly drinking my gingerale. I made it through the night without embracing the porceline throne, but barely. I was miserable most of the night. I'm not even six weeks along and this is what I'm dealing with. I really hope things don't get worse, especially over the weekend!

Obviously these hormones are really strong this time around. Maybe the whole brain shrinking during pregnancy thing gave me a little amnesia but I don't remember feeling this...bitchy so early in my other pregnancies. My poor kids and poor husband. Things just drive me crazy! One minute I want to scream, another minute I want to cry. I really have to get control of myself!

First OB Appointment!

I've decided that with my raging hormones, I'm just not going to be happy! I am, but I'm not. See? I AM pregnant, aren't I?

I went in for my first appointment today. It was stressful trying to get there. Construction traffic. Stupid GPS telling me I was there when I wasn't. Or was I and I just didn't know it? Scott got there before I did and started the paperwork for me and I was an emotional wreck by the time I got there. I hate being late.

I saw the NP, her name was Michelle and she has the same last name I do. That was kind of funny. I really liked her and feel good about the doctor I chose. They have an "Open Philosophy" basically meaning, what mama wants, mama gets, at least until it just isn't possible.
After talking to her a little bit, I wasn't so emotional. Maybe because we spent a good part of the appointment laughing.

But by the time I got back into my mini-van, I was about to burst into tears. Why? Because I remembered the numbers on the scale. Yes, I weigh 1 lb. less than what I weighed at my last Dr.'s appointment (at the Urgent Care Clinic last month) but when I started to think about my weight with my last two pregnancies, I realized that I am currently heavier this pregnancy than I was with either of my last two pregnancies! I wanted to cry so bad, but I had to drive myself and my three kids home.

I can NOT gain as much weight as I did with Madison. This time, I'm going to have to be more active and very careful about what I eat (Note to self: Throw away the Halloween candy after the kids go to sleep. Blame it on Dad).

I'm just glad I hit the gym today. At least I can say I'm trying.

I Guess The Wait Wasn't That Long

Last night I asked Scott if he wanted to go for a walk. I’ve been motivated, really motivated, to start losing weight…at least to work out. I am going to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes! It wasn’t dark yet, so we rushed out the door and drove down to a neighborhood with walking trails. We ended up walking 4 miles with 5 kids. Talk about PAINFUL. Madison was the only one who didn’t complain. She was content to be pushed around in the stroller. The rest of the kids wanted to be carried.

Actually, Dwight didn’t complain, and he actually carried Kelly for a bit. I guess Patrick didn’t either, but he kept lagging and asked annoying questions like, “Why are we going this way? Why aren’t we going back to the car?”

While we were walking, I could smell someone grilling. Mmmmmm. What I’d give for a nice juicy burger. It smelled so good! But we were going home and I was going to cook up some salmon. I’ve GOT to lose some weight!

A mile later, I could smell dryer sheets. Only it smelled like 100 dryer sheets. I love the smell of fresh, clean laundry. “Can you smell that, Patrick? It smells so good!”

“Uh. No.”

I could smell it 5 houses later. That’s when the thought occurred to me.

A few houses later and I could smell grease from the grill. Somebody finished cooking and I could smell it. The remains of cooked grease. Yuck. But the walk did us all some good. Exercise is a great stress reliever and I think I slept better because of it.

This morning, I woke up vividly remembering my dream. I went to the store and bought a specific pregnancy test. It was First Response Early Pregnancy Test. I bought a couple, knowing I had all these other brands at home, but since I still had at least 5 days before I was supposed to start my period, I wanted the one test that would be most likely to detect pregnancy. So I tested. It came out positive.

Then I was in an orphanage, and there was the cutest little newborn baby girl. Scott said, “Hold her, Melissa. You have to hold her.”

The woman holding her handed her to me, and as I picked her up in my arms I realized how tiny she was! She couldn’t have been more than five pounds. I remember she had somewhat of a dark complexion although I was unsure of what her nationality was. She was so beautiful! The longer I held her, the more in love I fell with her. I didn’t want to give her back.

Scott looked at me and said, “Let’s adopt her.” I was so shocked and overwhelmed and confused at the idea of adopting a baby while I was pregnant too. But we started the process because I loved this baby so much. And all I could think about as we started the process was, I can’t let these people know I’m pregnant or they might not let me have her.

In my dream, I started stressing about how long the process was going to take. I thought, “It’s going to be at least a year before I will be able to bring this baby home with me!” But as we started filling out paperwork, a social worker began showing us ways to cut the time in half. Because we’d adopted before, they were able to get old records and get things done much faster. (I love how dreams work themselves out sometimes!)

When I woke up, I decided I was going to use one of the many tests Scott got from a co-worker. Samples. Shoot, I have plenty, I’ll use two. Just in case. I know it’s way early, but I swear, I have symptoms! The nausea, the cramping, the SMELLING!

This is what I got:

Can you see it? The faint lines on both of them? And this test was taken 6 days early!

Suddenly, I’m feeling especially…nauseous.

I'm Really Kicking Myself

for the mistake I made earlier this month.

What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t. I just got caught up in the heat of the moment. (Thank you, Scott! No really. Thank YOU.)

Now I’m playing the waiting game. But while I’m waiting, I’ve noticed some slight abdominal cramping. I remember feeling that cramping when I got pregnant with Joshua and Madison. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe. It could just be the stress. And the nausea very well could be stress related. But it could also mean I’m pregnant.

Really? What are the odds?

I guess we’ll find out next week.

Oops. I Think I Goofed!

I made a little boo boo this week while tracking my cycle. I have this cool little program on my computer called Hormonal Forecaster that tracks everything…ovulation, menstruation, etc. I’ve used it for years and find it very helpful for natural family planning (I don’t take hormonal birth control of any kind). But I guess things haven’t been as regular since I breastfeed and even though the program calculated that I already ovulated, the ovulation tests just weren’t showing up that I’ve ovulated.

But, I decided to trust the program, (which was stupid of me because I know my cycles have not been regular!) because one day the test showed up as being almost positive, (the line was very dark, but not as dark as the control line) and since the program showed that I was supposed to start my period on Friday, I figured I was good. So last night, Scott and I decided not to worry about birth control.

Then this morning. The ovulation test showed up as a definite positive…five days before I was supposed to start my period.

Great.

So, I suppose I may end up taking more pregnancy tests soon enough. I just can’t believe I goofed things up.

June 25th

Dear Madison,

I've been meaning to post something on here for months. You are now 9 1/2 months old. I can't believe how close you are to turning one!

We've finally moved to Ohio. I think you are adjusted to our new home now. You didn't hesitate to REALLY start crawling the first day we got here. (The 24th of May). I guess you decided there was plenty of open space, so you got up on those knees and moved yourself around. Before that you were doing the belly crawl!

We left SC the 23rd of May after Dwight got out of school. I was so sad to leave I couldn't help but cry. Our house held so many wonderful memories. I thought about the Poker Nights we shared with our family and friends, the day I brought you home from the hospital and how my mom slept on the full-sized bed in your room. I thought about the walls we had to sand down and paint in your room and how beautifully it turned out after all. There were so many memories in that house. It's the first time I've ever lived somewhere and wished I could stay!

The first couple of nights after leaving SC you didn't sleep too well. We stopped at your Aunt Tina's in TN the first night. It was the half-way point between SC and our new home. That was when I discovered you were saying more than just Mama and Dada.

You saw Aunt Tina's cute little puppy and kept saying, Dah!

"I think she's saying dog." Tina told me.

Sure enough, that's exactly what you were saying! That's when I started paying more attention to what you were saying.

I'm sure it was strange not sleeping in the room you've been used to sleeping in for the entire 8 months of your life. You were especially clingy once we got to our new home. I felt so bad and wished I could explain to you what was all going on. We all miss our home in South Carolina!

The day after you were crawling, you started to say "no, no!" It WAS so cute and funny. You would look at your brothers, shake your fingers and say, "nah, nah!" to them. They just giggled and laughed at you. Don't worry, they very rarely take me seriously either!

Since then, you've learned how to say, "Bite,Ibuh!), Nurse, (Nuh!), all done, (sometimes it's just done, as in "duh!" but other times you say all "ah" too). You can say stop and stop it, Bubba, you try to say Donavan, you say Hannah very easily (the first time you said it I was calling her and you decided to mimick me, raising your voice and everything!). You also say Fox, (fah), up, and bye bye. You even started waving (I think last week) by shaking your hand up and down.

So needless to say, you've reached many many milestones. You're about to get your first tooth (bottom right). It's just surfacing and should break through any day now. Until then you'll continue to need mommy a lot! Oh yes, and you LOVE Graeter's icecream - Rasberry Chip. Yum!

Right Before My Very Eyes

Last night I had a dream that Madison started crawling around really fast. But it was only for a brief moment. She quickly stood up and before I knew it, she was running at full speed. I was shocked. I mean, my baby went from crawling across the room one time to running around the house! I was sad at how fast my little girl was growing up right before my very eyes.

This morning I woke up thinking about how funny my dream was. And wouldn't you know it, this would be the day Madison started to crawl! So today marks another milestone, but at least she isn't running around.

I think having that dream inspired me to enjoy watching her scoot her little body forward even more than I would have on a typical day. She still hasn't mastered crawling like she did in my dream. In fact, she got a little frustrated as she struggled to press her little feet into the carpet and push her body forward. But I know all too well how quickly the days go by. Soon she will be running around the house and I'll watch her pass me by...wishing I could take back the days - the moments that so easily slip out of my grasp as I'm consumed with every day responsibilities and tasks. I can't take them back, but if I stop to enjoy those special moments, I'll be able to play them in my head over and over again. It's the memories I stop to cherish that makes being a mom a joyous calling. What a joyous calling it is!

No Means No

My how we grow up fast!

Six Month Pics

Dear Madison,

Today your Aunt Tina, cousin, and I took you to have your six month pics taken. I can't wait for them to be uploaded to the internet so I can post them on here! The photographer was absolutely awesome and you were just perfect. You smiled for every pose.

Needless to say, I spent a LOT of money. She took over 22 shots, and I bought about 70 sheets. Thank God I had a coupon because I spent over $300.

Today you hit another milestone. You said, Da-da! Of course, the first time you said it was in bed when Daddy was talking to you and he got to hear it. He was so excited. You also started saying "blah blah blah" yesterday. I guess you decided it was time to start sharing your thoughts with us!

We started feeding you baby food at about 5 1/2 weeks and you LOVE to eat. You will eat anything and every time you take a bite you say, MmmmmMMMMmmmmmM! Tonight your cousin Alexis fed you peaches for the first time and you were so loud eating them! MMMMM! You gobbled them right up!

I can't believe you will soon be crawling, and I think you are starting to feel the first irriations of teething. You've been biting on everything and chomping on your gums. I keep dreaming that that first tooth appears but so far, nothing. Poor baby!

Anyway, I started a post on your six month birthday, but life has been crazy. We are about to move from the Carolinas to Ohio. I'm going to miss it here. So many memories, your birth being the best.

I love you, beautiful Baby.

Love,
Mom

The Funniest Thing Happened Today!

I was nursing Madison just minutes ago and tickling her at the same time. (She's so ticklish!) She kept giggling and turning away. I guess it was finally just too much for her to handle because she laughed out loud and milk shot straight out of her nose! Oops! Sorry, Baby!

First Bite

Here's Madison trying out cereal for the first time! We did this at breakfast this morning.

Another Milestone Already?

Madison is about to hit a new milestone. She has been biting me when I nurse her! Thank God she doesn't have teeth because she is already hurting me with just bare gums! She started this thing where she likes to drink a couple gulps and then lean waaaaaaay back, arching her back so far back that she has the top of her head on the couch, as if she's standing on her head, and then bends her hands all the way back too. She keeps leaning back for a few seconds and then she's ready for me to pull her back into nursing position.

Since Madison got an ear infection and was prescribed antibiotics on Monday evening, she's really shown she's ready to eat. The first night she was disgusted and kept spitting out her medicine. By Wednesday, she was sucking it down and actually cried on two occasions when the medicine was "all gone!" She wanted more!

Last night as we sat as a family to eat, she wanted to eat too! She actually threw a fit because she wanted a bite of my food and reached for my plate. I mashed up a tiny bit of greenbeans and put it on her tongue and she chewed (gummed) it right up and swallowed it making a "mummm, mum, yum" sound while eating. It was so funny. Then she cried for more.

So, Daddy went to the store tonight and bought some rice cereal. We'll let her have her first bowl tomorrow. I can't believe she's already ready for baby food. It should be fun!

5 Months

My baby is FIVE MONTHS OLD today. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. Daddy and I watched her while she slept last night. She's so beautiful.

A Few Pics

Madison loves to shake things now, loves the sound paper makes.She wants to crawl so bad and I can definitely tell when she's reaching for someone now. When she is upset, she says, "Ma!" or even "mom." So cute. But she doesn't quite get what that means.

She's spoiled rotten. Even gets to go on dates with Mommy & Daddy.

I can't believe she's almost 5 months old. She's growing too fast.

Almost Five Months Old!

After reading my last post, it makes more sense now. Madison broke out in a rash about a week after her shots. I think it was Roseola because for a few days she seemed to have a fever. By the time I made an appointment with the Dr. the rash started to fade (of course, the day OF the appointment it was almost completely gone so I cancelled).

Yesterday Madison got to experience her first snow. I didn't take her out in it, but I brought a handful of snow in and let her touch it. She wasn't quite sure what to think about that!

She is growing up so fast. She rolls over like a pro and wants to crawl so bad. She ends up in a kicking fury! She now likes to shake things, her key set, her rattle, her pacifier. In fact, I think she started shaking things today.

Today she also started the fake coughing. It was so funny. Her big sister was responding to it, so she just kept going in order to get her attention. She thought it was hilarious. Gosh, is she really old enough to be doing this?

My little baby is growing up so fast. It makes me sad. Seems just like yesterday she was this tiny little sleeping newborn and now she laughs, plays, interacts, fusses, and has completely outgrown her 0-3 month clothes! I'm trying so hard to enjoy every moment, but that only makes time fly by faster. I wish there was a way to slow down time. I love her so much. I'm going to miss having a baby soon enough!

Fussyness

Madison got her second set of shots last Tuesday. I wonder if I didn't wait long enough for her to get over her cold first because she has been super fussy ever since. I think she has a tummy bug or something. She woke up at 1:30 Saturday night screaming. But only three shots this time...that was nice.
Daddy got jealous when I bought Madison an "I love Mommy" pacifer so I went out and got this one:

I love this picture. When she is "in the mood" she just LOVES her daddy and the attention she gets from him.

I need to close this post. She is fussing again. I can't wait for her to start feeling better again.

Separation Anxiety???

I don't know what got into Madison, but she is being so clingy and demanding. We took her with us on a date tonight and for a few minutes I thought it was going to be a dating disaster. We sat down to eat and she fussed and fussed. I was able to nurse her to sleep though and she slept through the rest of the meal and through part of a movie. (Thank God!) Then she fussed in the car on the way home so Scott took the babysitter home while I tried to get her to settle down and go to sleep. She's been insisting on me holding her for the last week or so - nobody else will do. I love holding her and I love that she wants her mommy, but I hope she gets over this phase real fast!

Poor Baby

Madison is sick. : ( She always wakes up in a great mood, however this morning she cried every time her little eyes opened. I nursed her back to sleep at about 8:50 a.m. and hopped in the shower for a very quick clean up!

To my surprise, she slept until after 10:00. At least when she woke up she babbled a bit instead of crying! (Until I pulled out the Saline nose spray and snot sucker! She hates that and fights me as soon as she sees me grab the Saline bottle!) I feel so bad when I have to do that to her, but after sucking out all that snot, I know it had to make her feel better.

She actually played in her saucer a bit and then wanted to nurse once again. I sang "Rain, Rain, Go Away" as I rocked her by the back door. She fell asleep listening to me sing about how badly I wanted the rain to stop pouring down on our house. But I know she feels bad. She keeps crying in her sleep. Hopefully the Tylenol I gave her will help ease any aches and pains. I hate that there's only so much that a mommy can do to make her baby feel better. If only I could take the cold from her - I'd gladly be sick for her!

One Year Ago Today

I found out I was pregnant with Madison. I had some symptoms and although it was several days early before I was supposed to take a test, I just had to try. The + popped up right away.

I couldn't believe my eyes! I woke Scott up, who was sleeping on the couch because his back was killing him. He looked at the test results and said, "Cool" before he went back to sleep. It about drove me crazy waiting for my mom to wake up that morning. When she went straight for the bathroom I contemplated knocking the door down, but I kept my cool and when she came down the stairs, I showed her. Needless to say, she was thrilled and couldn't believe that I not only was able to get the + so early in my pregnancy, but that I also got pregnant so easy.

And here she is almost 4 months old cooing and squealing to her heart's content. There was a period in my first trimester where I thought I was going to lose her - a big lesson in faith for me. Although I received a prophecy that everything was going to be okay before anyone even knew I was pregnant, I can't tell you how many days I stayed on the couch with my feet propped up just crying because I was afraid I was losing her. I'd lost a baby before and I just felt that if I lost this one too, I wouldn't be able to try again. It was just too heartbreaking. But God looked after her and the rest of the pregnancy went perfectly. I can't believe it's been a year. I praise God for the blessing He gave me when I was so afraid to try for another baby. I look back and can say God is good.