Friday, February 22, 2008
My Belly Dances!
Today I noticed for the first time that my belly actually moves when the baby does! I think he/she had hiccups or something, and my belly shook with each spasm. Wow. I can't believe how big this baby is getting! I'm 21 weeks, 4 days.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Crying
I'm crying about the fact that my 14 year old son can't seem to (or won't) follow simple instructions even if it would make life easier for the rest of the family.
I'm crying because my 4 year old is just like her big brother.
I'm crying about the fact that when I told my hubby I'd reached my half-way point in this pregnancy, because deep inside I was feeling a little bitter that he didn't even know how far along I was, he gave me a freakin' high five.
I'm crying because I'm craving some food that's really bad for me but I couldn't even go out to get if I really really wanted to because it's snowing again for the millionth freakin' time.
I'm crying because I don't even know what state my baby is going to be born in or if I'm going to have a chance to take any refresher courses before the big day.
I'm crying because my skin is so dry my lips and hands are cracked and bleeding.
I'm crying because my husband is too preoccupied with his job situation to really even pay attention to me or this pregnancy. So much for a special last pregnancy experience.
I'm crying because I feel like I've already sacrificed a part of my "moment" and expectations when Madison was born, because my husband decided to start school the same week she was born. And he became too busy with school or work to really do anything special for the baby's birth...or my 29th birthday. And I so wanted something special to remember both of those days by.
I'm crying because my husband has been too distracted with work and life to notice that I'm really hurting right now, and needing him to dig deeper into who I am. 10 years of marriage and I feel like he's stopped trying to get to know me.
I'm crying because I'm letting every stupid little thing that shouldn't matter get to me.
I'm crying because I'm just dissappointed with how life is going right now.
I know it all could be worse, and really, I'm blessed beyond words, but I'm still crying.
I'm crying because I'm hormonal and pregnant!
I'm crying because my 4 year old is just like her big brother.
I'm crying about the fact that when I told my hubby I'd reached my half-way point in this pregnancy, because deep inside I was feeling a little bitter that he didn't even know how far along I was, he gave me a freakin' high five.
I'm crying because I'm craving some food that's really bad for me but I couldn't even go out to get if I really really wanted to because it's snowing again for the millionth freakin' time.
I'm crying because I don't even know what state my baby is going to be born in or if I'm going to have a chance to take any refresher courses before the big day.
I'm crying because my skin is so dry my lips and hands are cracked and bleeding.
I'm crying because my husband is too preoccupied with his job situation to really even pay attention to me or this pregnancy. So much for a special last pregnancy experience.
I'm crying because I feel like I've already sacrificed a part of my "moment" and expectations when Madison was born, because my husband decided to start school the same week she was born. And he became too busy with school or work to really do anything special for the baby's birth...or my 29th birthday. And I so wanted something special to remember both of those days by.
I'm crying because my husband has been too distracted with work and life to notice that I'm really hurting right now, and needing him to dig deeper into who I am. 10 years of marriage and I feel like he's stopped trying to get to know me.
I'm crying because I'm letting every stupid little thing that shouldn't matter get to me.
I'm crying because I'm just dissappointed with how life is going right now.
I know it all could be worse, and really, I'm blessed beyond words, but I'm still crying.
I'm crying because I'm hormonal and pregnant!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Half Way There
Today was my half-way point in my pregnancy. Didn't do too much to celebrate as I was busy with kids. I did work out for 25 minutes and got to take a shower while Madison napped and Joshua played on the Wii with his friend. Thank goodness Dwight showed up at home this afternoon. He skipped track because he wasn't filling too well, so I left Kelly at home with him while I drove Joshua and his friend to their afternoon art class. It was SO cold.
I've been getting headaches the last couple of days and today was no different. I think they are tension headaches. Such a pain.
Getting further along in this pregnancy isn't helping with the emotions either. I'm still feeling like I'm pretty much in this alone. I get to talk to a friend occasionally on the phone (long-distance) but that just isn't really helping with all the emotions I'm going through with this pregnancy.
And now that I know we are probably moving, I'm kind of on hold as far as hiring a doula. To top that off, Scott is totally distracted with his job situation to really show any interest in this pregnancy. It just kind of sucks all around.
I've been getting headaches the last couple of days and today was no different. I think they are tension headaches. Such a pain.
Getting further along in this pregnancy isn't helping with the emotions either. I'm still feeling like I'm pretty much in this alone. I get to talk to a friend occasionally on the phone (long-distance) but that just isn't really helping with all the emotions I'm going through with this pregnancy.
And now that I know we are probably moving, I'm kind of on hold as far as hiring a doula. To top that off, Scott is totally distracted with his job situation to really show any interest in this pregnancy. It just kind of sucks all around.
Becoming Passionate About Something New
Since Scott called me with the news of the big move, the one big question that has been haunting me is, how am I going to do this VBAC thing in Arkansas? I’ve been checking out websites online and according to the pages I’ve found, Arkansas is not a very VBAC friendly state. I spent most of the weekend with a headache. I broke down in tears once and Scott finally convinced me that I probably should put the computer away and make some phone calls.
Of course, right after he convinced me that there is no way there is not a single doctor who takes VBAC patients, we have a couple from Arkansas come over and what does the wife tell me? “I think it’s illegal to do VBAC’s in the state of Arkansas.” Needless to say, my headache returned and my stress level went up. It was actually kind of funny because I could tell this woman, who is a GREAT woman, didn’t really seem to approve of VBAC’s. I guess she had a friend who suffered from a uterine rupture and that did it for her, VBAC’s are dangerous! But really, she didn’t come out and say that and she was kind enough to keep her opinions to herself.
Scott and I talked about it later that night. HOW can it be illegal? To tell a woman she is not allowed to choose her health care is to strip her of her rights and choices. But even knowing that it’s impossible for a state to make VBAC’s illegal, my head was still pounding. Maybe it was the stress, maybe I was dehydrated, maybe it’s the remains of that cold I had last week, but it just wouldn’t go away.
Last night I decided to get back online just to find OB’s so I can start making phone calls. Only this time I lucked out. I first tried our health insurance company, but their site was down, so I just googled doctors and what do you know, I hit a message board site from women living in Arkansas discussing VBAC births. A couple of them specifically named doctors who are willing to work with the patient. Yes! Of course I haven’t called them yet, but I have names, and I’m so relieved.
But to be honest, it frustrates me. To see how many women get on the message boards all over the country and say, “Well, I told my doctor I wanted to try for a VBAC and he/she said my C-Section is scheduled for so-and-so date and that is it. I guess I have to go.” really gets my blood boiling. Yes, I know there are some cases where it is necessary and unsafe to do a VBAC, but these doctors are seriously over-stepping their boundaries.
After finding the doctors, I came across another website that tells you what to do if a hospital “bans” VBAC deliveries. If you are seriously wanting to attempt a VBAC birth but have had the door closed in your face, check out this site: http://www.ican-online.org/vbac/your-right-refuse-what-do-if-your-hospital-has-banned-vbac-q
I personally feel it is completely irresponsible for a hospital to “ban” these deliveries, especially in states where it is illegal for a midwife to attend VBAC births. They are telling the woman, “get cut open, or get out” and that basically puts the woman at another risk of not getting the emergency help she needs should she decide to try for a home birth and something go wrong. I understand the fear of lawsuits, but this isn’t hard. Have the mom sign a waiver and then have a special VBAC team on board to help the mom through this and to tackle any problems that may come up during the delivery.
Going through all of this and researching everything I can about childbirth, I’m really starting to become passionate about childbirth and helping women through this. I know I need to work on me first. I hope that I can have a successful story to inspire other women, not to only have successful VBAC’s, but to make the right choices for their babies and their bodies, and to show them that their bodies were created by God to do this without the intervention of a sharp knife. So many women are told these days that their babies are too big or there’s no way they can push that baby out. What happened when women didn’t have a choice but to do so? They somehow managed to find a way to get that baby out!
Anyway, first priorities, continue my research on Natural childbirth, hire a doula, have this baby, and then as things settle a bit, I think I might just look into supporting the doulas and midwives in the area and possibly even heading in the direction of becoming a doula myself. I never thought I’d say that. Heck…I didn’t even know what a doula was a few months ago!
Of course, right after he convinced me that there is no way there is not a single doctor who takes VBAC patients, we have a couple from Arkansas come over and what does the wife tell me? “I think it’s illegal to do VBAC’s in the state of Arkansas.” Needless to say, my headache returned and my stress level went up. It was actually kind of funny because I could tell this woman, who is a GREAT woman, didn’t really seem to approve of VBAC’s. I guess she had a friend who suffered from a uterine rupture and that did it for her, VBAC’s are dangerous! But really, she didn’t come out and say that and she was kind enough to keep her opinions to herself.
Scott and I talked about it later that night. HOW can it be illegal? To tell a woman she is not allowed to choose her health care is to strip her of her rights and choices. But even knowing that it’s impossible for a state to make VBAC’s illegal, my head was still pounding. Maybe it was the stress, maybe I was dehydrated, maybe it’s the remains of that cold I had last week, but it just wouldn’t go away.
Last night I decided to get back online just to find OB’s so I can start making phone calls. Only this time I lucked out. I first tried our health insurance company, but their site was down, so I just googled doctors and what do you know, I hit a message board site from women living in Arkansas discussing VBAC births. A couple of them specifically named doctors who are willing to work with the patient. Yes! Of course I haven’t called them yet, but I have names, and I’m so relieved.
But to be honest, it frustrates me. To see how many women get on the message boards all over the country and say, “Well, I told my doctor I wanted to try for a VBAC and he/she said my C-Section is scheduled for so-and-so date and that is it. I guess I have to go.” really gets my blood boiling. Yes, I know there are some cases where it is necessary and unsafe to do a VBAC, but these doctors are seriously over-stepping their boundaries.
After finding the doctors, I came across another website that tells you what to do if a hospital “bans” VBAC deliveries. If you are seriously wanting to attempt a VBAC birth but have had the door closed in your face, check out this site: http://www.ican-online.org/vbac/your-right-refuse-what-do-if-your-hospital-has-banned-vbac-q
I personally feel it is completely irresponsible for a hospital to “ban” these deliveries, especially in states where it is illegal for a midwife to attend VBAC births. They are telling the woman, “get cut open, or get out” and that basically puts the woman at another risk of not getting the emergency help she needs should she decide to try for a home birth and something go wrong. I understand the fear of lawsuits, but this isn’t hard. Have the mom sign a waiver and then have a special VBAC team on board to help the mom through this and to tackle any problems that may come up during the delivery.
Going through all of this and researching everything I can about childbirth, I’m really starting to become passionate about childbirth and helping women through this. I know I need to work on me first. I hope that I can have a successful story to inspire other women, not to only have successful VBAC’s, but to make the right choices for their babies and their bodies, and to show them that their bodies were created by God to do this without the intervention of a sharp knife. So many women are told these days that their babies are too big or there’s no way they can push that baby out. What happened when women didn’t have a choice but to do so? They somehow managed to find a way to get that baby out!
Anyway, first priorities, continue my research on Natural childbirth, hire a doula, have this baby, and then as things settle a bit, I think I might just look into supporting the doulas and midwives in the area and possibly even heading in the direction of becoming a doula myself. I never thought I’d say that. Heck…I didn’t even know what a doula was a few months ago!
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