Anxiety

Back when I used to have my monthly cycles, I would know it was coming because a night or so before it would hit, I'd be up at night thinking about worst-case scenerio situations that could happen to me or those I love. I literally have to tell myself to stop thinking, because most of my thoughts are not rational or even realistic, and they certainly don't put my trust in God, they just feed my fears.

Now that I have less than 4 weeks until this baby is going to be born, I'm doing it again. My hormones must really be going strong. For the first time in my life, I came close to feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I was in bed thinking about decisions I've made, wondering if I'm screwing up my kids' lives. My heart started pounding faster and I had butterflies in my stomach that got so bad I thought I might throw up. For a second, I thought I was going to have to get out of bed...but that thought led me to believe I had to "get out of here."

Out of where? Where am I going to go?

The other night I was awake and thinking about the upcoming c-section. The thought of the epidural...not pleasant...then, the reality of how they perform a c-section. They are going to open up my body. Doesn't help that I've come across TWO articles about how easy it is for Surgeons to leave things in their patients' bodies, such as gauze, gloves, tools, etc. Oh gross.

So it's been bothering me. I wonder if they will have to drug me up to calm me down enough for this surgery. When I had to have my c-section last time, I was in labor for 27 hours, I'd pushed for 2-2.5 hours and by that point, I didn't care, I just wanted it overwith.

Now, I'm fully aware of everything going on. I'm not going to go in there exhausted like I was then. It makes me nervous.