Getting Laughter

I got Madison to laugh for me last night. I was holding her and turned my head away and said, "Boo!" as I looked back at her. She thought it was funny. It wasn't a rumbling laughter, but for the first time, I got her to laugh every time I did it. I was getting her to respond to something funny! It's times like these I love being a Mom.

We Missed A First!

Madison can roll over from her chest to her back now. The girl is so strong!

Sunday night (November 19th), I placed her on her belly for some "tummy time." Scott and I were standing there watching her, and as soon as we both turned our backs on her, she flipped herself over! NOOOOOOOO! She was just waiting for us to turn away! I turned around and found her on her back. "Scott, she just rolled over." I said. He turned around and saw her proud little self smiling away at her accomplishment.

So we missed her first, but last night we were both there when she had more tummy time and pushed herself up and over onto her back. I'm so proud of my little girl!

Madison's Shots

Poor Little Madison

Madison went in for her 2-month appointment. She is now 23 inches long and weighs 10 lbs. 7 oz. She's doing great. She's in the 75th - 80th percentile for height and 50th for weight.


It was so hard to watch them give her the shots. She's just so sweet, I hate to see her in pain.

She was somewhat fussy and clingy for the rest of the day...I had to give her Tylenol every 4 1/2 hours or so or she would just cry and cry, and she was not in the best of moods the next day. She still has knots in her little legs.

I took some pictures of her Tuesday night and did manage to get a few smiles out of her.

And I didn't mind holding her one bit. It's the least I could do to help ease the discomfort she was experiencing!

Slow Down, Grow Up!

Madison is growing up way too fast for me. She's graduated to size 1 diapers. Of course, I discovered this right after buying a brand new package of Newborn diapers. If only I hadn't opened the package (and used a couple), but once she started to leak up her back after every poo, I realized that they just weren't working.

She is such an alert baby though. She now recognizes my breast and gets excited when she sees it. She knows what time it is when I pull down the fold to my bra!

Her grasp reflex isn't as strong. Her hands seem much more relaxed now and she loves to feel everything, but I miss how tightly she used to grab onto my finger.

She laughs in her sleep all the time. It's so cute. I just wish I could get her to do that while she's awake. But she's still too young for that.

I guess I'm hard to please. One minute I'm complaining that she's growing up too fast, another minute I want her to grow up faster...but her laugh is so adorable, I want to see her laugh on purpose!

Thoughts On Madison

Madison is such a joy. We are really enjoying getting to know our baby girl and Daddy is totally smitten. I can't explain the rush of pure bliss I am in when I see Scott interact with her, and when I see her cooing and smiling up at her daddy.

She is a good baby. She's hit a growth spurt period where she is eating more frequently, so my nights are a little more interrupted, but for a while she would sleep 6 - 6 1/2 hours before waking up to eat. WOW. She's waking up a couple times during the night right now, and she is growing like a weed. She was 7 lbs. at her first Well Baby appointment, which was the Monday after she was born. By her one month appointment, she weighed 8 lbs, 14 oz. The Dr. calculated that out to be about 23% of her body weight. How cool would it be if our Dr.'s applauded when WE gained 23% of our body weight?

Anyway, Tuesday, Madison discovered her ears. It's so funny, she grabs onto those things and hangs on to them. I'm not sure if she's figured out that they are hers or not. She also discovered her hands though, and I went out Friday night and bought her a cool little toy, so she has been really enjoying swatting at the toys hanging above her head.

She is really growing up fast. A couple of days ago, I smacked my lips together and she watched me with such intensity, and then tried to mimick me. Her efforts resulted in her tongue popping in and out of her mouth like a little lizard, and her little mouth opening and closing frantically, but it was a good try!

I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life though. She is such a joy. I find myself thanking God over and over and over and over and over again. I am just overwhelmed that He would choose to bless me with this little angel. He has been speaking so much to my heart through this little one and I'm discovering a whole other side of my Heavenly Father that I never knew. I've had such a warped image of who God is and how he works, that now I'm starting to see that maybe I've been wrong about some things - that my earthly experiences have sort of had an influence on my perspective of God's love.

And I'm determined to cherish every moment with this baby girl. I don't want to miss out on anything, or have any regrets. Sure a baby is a lot of work, but it's the best job in the world!

Letter To Madison

September 18, 2006

Dear Madison,

11 days old and you’ve already captured my heart in a way I didn’t know possible. I can’t stop crying, partially because of all the hormonal changes going on, and partially because I am overwhelmed with joy and awe at the fact that God would choose to bless me with such a sweet child.

I truly believed I’d never have another opportunity to give birth to another child again after having Joshua. When I was pregnant with him, I heard God so clearly ask me if I’d be willing to give up having any more children in order to adopt. How could I say no? “God, I can’t imagine ignoring a child in need so I could bear a child of my own.”

I remember climbing on your daddy’s lap as I cried and told him what God had asked of me. My answer was purely obedient, but nonetheless, a sacrifice, because I knew I’d want to do this again. I’ve always wanted to have several children. But Scott agreed that we should stay open and obedient to God’s will, and that it would be wrong to turn our backs on a child in need of a good home just to bring another child into the world.

So I lived with my decision, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was such a source of joy. I loved nursing him until he weaned me at 11 months. I guess he decided he was done. I knew I’d miss holding my baby against my body as he fed off my breast, but he was growing up. Growing up too fast.

Then the years passed and I wanted to kick myself for ignoring some of the most precious moments Joshua brought and I ignored. Of course, it was years later that I realized what I’d missed out on - when he was no longer a baby, but a toddler, then a preschooler. I did what I could to pacify him so I could do what I wanted to do. I found ways to escape my misery while your dad was traveling each week to work and then I woke up to realize that trying to escape the loneliness only made me more lonely and brought about more regrets than dealing with it and choosing to cherish the moments I had with Joshua.

But we somehow endured your dad’s many weeks of travel and when he was provided an opportunity to work for another company, we decided to go for it. We moved to Virginia where we started the process of adopting not one, but two children. It was a long painful process, but I was beginning to see why God would ask me if I was willing to sacrifice my future children for the sake of adoption. Patrick, who was almost 8 when he was finally placed in our home, and Kelly, who was 15 months old when we got her, needed some serious attention and love.

Patrick had been through a lot and had never really been truly loved. He witnessed many horrors no child should have to endure and not only survived, but overcame so much. Kelly, who was lively and open, wasn’t quite sure how to handle the transition from her foster mom’s home to ours. I drove all the way from Virginia to Washington state with the three boys and my 16 year old cousin to meet Kelly, and ended up driving back with her because the judge agreed to place her with us the day before we were supposed to head back home.

The next year was rough but with God’s grace, we adjusted and blended into a new and bigger family. As we started to settle into our new life together, God began to speak to me again.
I remember my best friend, her husband, and children coming to our house in Virginia for Thanksgiving and telling her that I’d love to have a baby again, but I was afraid I would be walking in disobedience, that God asked me to give up that part of my life.

She teared up and said, “And God just spoke to me and told me that He also asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. It was a test of the heart, and when God knew where Abraham’s heart was, he gave Isaac back to Abraham. God was testing your heart, Lynn.”

I was surprised to hear that…and those words played over and over again in my mind for another year. For the next year, Scott and I discussed whether or not we should try to have another baby…when I wanted to, he wasn’t ready, when he was ready, I wasn’t. I think we were both afraid.

During this time, we moved again, from Virginia to South Carolina. That is when God began to move. He began to place the desire for another child on your father’s heart, and we again discussed if we should try for a baby. Fear kept me from trying. All the “what if’s” ran through my mind.

By November of 2005, your dad really started to put the pressure on me to start trying. I made up as many excuses as I could to wait. “Let me lose just a few more pounds first…”

In December, a friend of mine had a baby. The first Sunday she brought her son to church, she walked up to me and said, “here, you hold him.” Before I could even protest, which I was going to do, she placed him in my arms and walked away. I looked down at him and God spoke again, “I want to give you a child this month. Trust me and let me bless you with a child.” I fought back the tears, I knew God had spoken.

So I told Scott after the service what had happened, and of course, he already seemed to know, so we decided to start trying. I was doubtful I would get pregnant so easily, but within a few days, you were conceived. I could not believe my eyes when I took the first pregnancy test. I was having some symptoms and decided to take the test several days early, and it turned out positive immediately.

I woke your dad up and showed him the test. He opened up his eyes long enough to say “cool” and then went back to sleep. Grandma was here, so when she woke up, I showed her the test result too. She laughed at how quickly this all happened. God spoke and told me he wanted to give me a child in December and sure enough, he placed you in my womb in December.

So as the first few weeks went on, Scott and I agreed we’d keep the pregnancy a secret. I’ve miscarried before, shortly after announcing my pregnancy to everyone we knew, and having to go back and tell everyone we’d lost the baby was the most painful thing we could do. I did not want to do that again.

As I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I attended a bible study and a man I’ve never met before called me out and asked if they could pray over me and minister to me. I knew I was in trouble, but as he prayed he began to speak about things I’d never shared with any of the people at this study. Finally, he asked me, “Is there something going on within your body that you are concerned about? The Lord says everything is going to be fine.”

Another man started to read scripture, he said God kept pointing him to scriptures about bearing fruit and reproducing. Something else was said, referring to my pregnancy, so I finally confessed to the group that I was pregnant. They laughed and the stranger who called me out told me he knew I was, but didn’t feel like HE was supposed to announce it to the group.

Days later, I started bleeding. I lost it. Here I’ve told people I’m pregnant and now I’m going to lose my baby. But the promises played over and over in my heart. I had hope. I called the Dr.’s office and they told me to just stay off my feet as much as possible. I spent days on my couch, researching miscarriage and possible causes of bleeding.

Finally, I called the Dr.’s office again and asked them to please make an earlier appointment. They scheduled me in for a different Dr. I didn’t care who I saw, I just wanted to see if my baby was okay. I was in such emotional distress, I cried for hours at the thought of miscarrying. I needed answers.

So I went in and of course within the hour I went in, I stopped bleeding. “I promise I was bleeding!” I told the Dr. He did an ultrasound and that is the first time we saw your tiny little heartbeat. Everything looked great. Dr. Meek assured me that if we could see the heartbeat, my chances of miscarrying were very low.

So I went home and relaxed. Other than bouts of nausea, I was doing well. I had more energy this time around. As you started to grow in me, I looked forward to finding out if you were a boy or a girl. At first, I had my heart set on a boy. I couldn’t imagine having a girl. Again, my best friend spoke to me and said that God was going to give me what I needed and that I didn’t need to worry about my relationship with Kelly, that if I did have another daughter, God would bless me with an individual relationship with her. I’d be able to be close to both my daughters. That gave me peace. That’s when I knew you were a girl.

At 18 weeks, we went in for the “big” ultrasound. We got to see your face, your fingers, your toes, and the ultrasound tech confirmed you were indeed a girl. I couldn’t stop a few tears from slipping from my eyes. I could not believe that I was pregnant again. I could not believe God was going to bless me with a daughter. Everything seemed so surreal to me.

The same day, Dr. Meek called. He said they found a cyst on your brain. He said they weren’t too worried about it because they hadn’t found anything else abnormal…that this particular cyst could be an indicator of Downs Syndrome, but usually with DS, there are other indicators apparent on the ultrasound. He gave me the option to pursue further testing.

I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom and told her, when Scott came home, I cried again and told him. We prayed about it and decided we would not pursue further testing, we would trust God. At my next appointment, Dr. Meek assured me that this was becoming more common, because the technology used in ultrasounds just keeps getting better and better.

It was amazing how much peace I felt after giving it to God and trusting him. My pregnancy went on to be such an easy and healthy one. I had so much energy and spent the summer in the sun. As you continued to grow within me, the rest of your siblings enjoyed feeling you kick. I especially remember taking a nap with Joshua and lying with my belly pressed against his back. He could feel you kicking his back and thought it was so funny.

I think Joshua showed the most interest in the pregnancy and often held my belly as he talked to you or kissed you. He did, after all, pray for a baby over a year before I even got pregnant.

But the whole time I was pregnant with you, even during my preparations and painting, cleaning, moving furniture around in anticipation of your arrival, it was still so surreal to me that I was going to have a baby. I just couldn’t imagine really holding you, that you were really going to be my baby.

Finally, the time came to schedule the C-Section. Since I had one with Joshua, I decided it would be best to do a repeat. I did agonize over this and prayed about it. At one point I nearly decided I wanted to try to go natural, but as I prayed about it and got online to do some research, I found horrible stories of things that could go wrong during a V-BAC birth. I knew I’d never be able to forgive myself if I made a choice that could ultimately lead to a disastrous or even fatal delivery.

So Dr. Meek scheduled the C-Section for September 7th. It felt so strange to pick your birthday. It didn’t seem right. I remember almost crying about it as I marked the time on the calendar. C-Section – 11:00. I remember talking to one particular woman who worked at Tony’s Pizza about the C-Section, my nervousness about having the surgery, and how strange it was to schedule your birthday. She looked at me and said, “It’s going to be okay. Once you hold her in your arms, it will be worth it.” I struggled to fight back the tears, because for some reason, this stranger’s words gave me the comfort and peace I needed. I knew after that, that she was right.

September 2nd, my mom flew in. I was so happy to have her here. She worked hard in helping me get things ready for your arrival. I was so stressed and moody! I wanted everything to be perfect and I knew it was such an unrealistic expectation, but I wanted everything in order so bad! But having my mom there allowed me to finally relax a little bit, because I knew she was going to be around to help me at least keep up a little bit.

Two days before your birth, I stopped by the hospital to make sure they had all my registration information. “Oh good! We tried calling you this morning!” The registration lady said. I was running errands all day, so I had no clue…it also would have helped if the hospital called the correct phone number!

As I sat there to give my information, Dr. Meek walked into the room. The woman entering the information into the computer (Linda Meek) looked at me and said, “Dr. Meek is my son.” I thought it was so neat that a mother and her son were working not only in the same hospital, but in the same department in the hospital. It was so sweet!

As Dr. Meek sat down to punch in some information into a computer, I started having contractions, and my back hurt so bad I had to stand up. The women at the desk told me to sit down… “I can’t!” I said, “My back hurts too bad!” For a minute we were joking around about going into labor right then and there! But I didn’t.

After getting me registered, Linda gave me, my mom, and Kelly and Joshua a tour of the Maternity Center. We especially enjoyed seeing the different suites. I knew this experience was going to be so different from my experience delivering Joshua in the military hospital. I didn’t have to share a room with anyone!

The next day, I made sure I had everything packed for the hospital. The kids had their “snack bags” that they decorated themselves. I allowed them to make one for each day, thinking I’d possibly be in the hospital for 4 days, so we had to put the bags in two giant gift bags to carry to the hospital. I couldn’t believe I was about to have my baby.

That evening I was determined to get a good night’s sleep. I went to bed at a fairly decent time and was quite exhausted, so I really anticipated getting some rest. Then, about 1 a.m., I woke up having a contraction. It was a bit intense, so I couldn’t sleep through it. I figured I’d wait it out and get back to sleep.

Wrong.

I started to have contractions all night long. I couldn’t believe it. Not just contractions, but painful contractions. I hardly slept. By about 6:45, I decided to turn off the alarm clock and take a hot shower. There was no sleeping through these contractions. They were getting closer. 10 minutes, then 5 minutes…by the time it was time to get in the car and take Kelly and Joshua to my friend’s house, they were anywhere between 2 and 5 minutes apart. I was going into labor!

So, I felt better about your birth date, because I knew that even if we hadn’t planned out the C-Section, we would still be on our way to the hospital that very moment!

When we showed up at the hospital, I couldn’t wait to get to my room. I asked Dr. Meek to check to see if I was dilating at all. I decided if I was at least at a 3, I would try to do a V-BAC after all, maybe God was trying to tell me it would be okay.

Dr. Meek checked me, and although I was in the early stages of labor, he said I still wasn’t dilating quickly. He said it could be a long labor. I figured I’d already been through that with Joshua, so we decided to continue on with the C-Section.

The staff at CMC Pineville was wonderful. My first nurse on duty was the best. Her name was Amber and she took good care of me. The anesthesiologist showed up in my room and he introduced himself. He agreed to allow your father and my mom into the operation room during the surgery. I was so relieved. I really wanted my mom there.

I was very nervous about the spinal block, but Dr. Friend was so funny that he and the nurses had me laughing. He did a great job and once that was done, I was at ease about the surgery.

Finally Dr. Meek showed up and they brought mom and your dad into the room. It seemed like it was about 10 minutes before they got to you, and then I heard you cry. It was the most precious moment in the world. You had the sweetest little voice. As I lied in my bed, trying to hold back the few tears that escaped, they got you wrapped up, and cleaned up a bit and then brought you over so I could see you. The Anesthesiology nurse even took a picture of you with your dad and me.

It all still seemed so surreal to me that you were here. I looked at you and thought about how you looked like your dad. I spoke to you and you opened your eyes. You knew my voice. My mom told me that you had your eyes closed the entire time until you heard me talk to you…that is when you first opened them.

Finally they took you away to finish working on you while Dr. Meek worked on me. I began to feel nauseated and then felt a tremendous amount of pain in my shoulders and back. It was so bad I had to focus on my breathing so I didn’t pass out. The nurse offered to give me pain medication, but let me know it could make me a bit woozy. I wanted to be alert the first time I held you, so I decided to tough it out. I did, however, ask for the nausea medication. I did not want to throw up!

My mom and Scott followed the nurse out of the OR with you. Mom was originally going to stay with me, but I was in such pain, I didn’t want anyone there to touch or talk to me. It was just too much. So when they left, I closed my eyes and breathed it out. Finally, as they closed me up, the pain subsided. The nurse explained that I was feeling the pain because air was getting in (I believe under my diaphragm) from having me opened up and that once I was closed back up, I’d be okay. She was right. Finally, the nurses picked me up off the operating table and moved me back to my bed. It was time to go back to my room!

When I arrived in my room, there you were with Amber, the best nurse ever, and your Grandma and dad. I remember just sitting there waiting to hold you, but not asking to because I wasn’t sure what they still needed to do with you. Finally Amber asked me if I wanted to hold you and try feeding you. She placed you in my arms and you latched right on.

It was starting to sink in. I looked at your tiny fingers, tiny feet. They looked like mini versions of my feet and hands…but you definitely had your daddy’s lips. You had more dark hair than I anticipated, especially in the back of your head. It seemed so thick. Your nose…it looked like your dad’s nose. Your eyes, you had the same eye shape as Joshua’s – you both have my eyes. I wondered if they’d turn brown like ours too.

The next couple days was such a precious bonding time. You loved to be held and snuggled…you slept a lot and cried very little. Since I couldn’t get up to walk until the next morning after my surgery, your dad and grandma got to change your first diapers. I’d forgotten how tiny the first diapers were!

Thursday and Friday nights, you slept on my chest in my bed with me. We snuggled through the night, skin to skin. I still couldn’t believe I was finally holding my baby. Thursday night, your dad stayed at the hospital with us. When the nurse came by to take you to be checked out by the pediatrician in the nursery, your dad insisted on going with you. He was not letting you out of his sight.

The next night Grandma stayed with me, and the next morning, Dr. Meek agreed to discharge me a day early. With the okay from your pediatrician, we started to pack up everything I brought in to the hospital.

It seemed like forever before we got to leave. I was told it would be around 10:00, but it turned out to be 2:00-ish. Finally, we were discharged and I put you in your car seat. You were so little!

We made it home and your three brothers and big sister were eagerly waiting for your arrival. Grandma was with them too. For the next several days, you were held constantly by one of us. Everyone was excited to have you home.

You are such a blessing, Addison. You are so loved. The kids are always asking about you if they can’t find you. I can’t imagine how I ever lived my life without you because it seems like you’ve always been a part of this family – you were always meant to be. You are a precious gift from God and I thank Him every day, over and over, for giving you to me. I am overwhelmed by the fact that God would choose to give you to me. I certainly don’t deserve you, but I promise to do my very best with you. I’ll cherish every moment with you. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love,
Mom

Tomorrow's The Day

I go in tomorrow for the surgery. 12 hours from now I should be recovering from my surgery. I am nervous and hope I get some decent sleep tonight!

I can't believe it's the end. I'm a bit sad, I must confess. I've so enjoyed this pregnancy...after the initial scare of miscarrying. I'm about to meet my baby girl - the child God told me He wanted to give me when I was too scared to even try. The little one who when, within weeks of being placed in my womb, was then prophecied about existing within me as I was trying to keep it a secret. Tomorrow is going to be a special day.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited.

I'll be a bit sad about not feeling this little one move and squirm within me, but look forward to seeing her face and giving her a name.

I've learned a lot throughout this pregnancy, especially about the love of the Lord. He has been good to me and I am thankful.

What to Expect...

I was less emotional after my final prenatal appointment. I talked to the Dr. about the c-section and felt a bit better after knowing what to expect. The idea of being able to go straight to MY room right after the surgery sounds wonderful. Plus, I won't have a needle stuck up my back the entire time, which was even more comforting. Hearing that my Dr. has delivered about 2,000 babies really put my mind at ease...he looks so young, it's hard to imagine he's been delivering babies for 10 years!

Contractions

I woke up several times last night...with contractions.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't do this! YOU can't do this to me! Although I admit once, the contraction was caused by a very good dream *wink* the rest were quite uncomfortable.

Today I decided to take it easy. Every time I got on my feet to do something, my belly got hard. She is also pushing out. She likes to push her body way out against my belly, so sometimes it's hard to tell what is going on.

I just need to make it until my mom gets in. She flies in Saturday night. I told Scott if I go into labor before the scheduled C-Section, I think I might just try to go natural. I may still end up with a C-Section, but if my body is ready to try, then I'll take it as a sign to at least try.

I guess I should finish packing my hospital bag...just in case...

Read At Your Own Risk

I’m totally blaming this on being in the very last stage of pregnancy…okay? Things get kind of…gross towards the end…

Yesterday my 5 year old embarrassed me. Thank God I wasn’t in public. We were sitting on the floor with my 10 yr. old and 3 year old feeling the baby move. All three had their hands on my belly as their little sister kicked and squirmed away.

Well, Joshua started to get bored and started rolling around on the floor. I was in the middle of a conversation with my 10 year old and didn’t even notice Joshua laying his head on the floor, right between my legs, which were sprawled out as I sat on the floor.

He sits up and says, “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE, you stink down there!”

“WHAT?!?!” I asked, shocked, embarrassed, and in disbelief.

“You stink down there! Did you pee your pants?” He said asked as he tried to put his head back “down there.”

I stopped him. “Noooooo, you are not allowed to do that! You embarrassed me! You don't smell people there!”

He started giggling and said, “You are a dirty old pregnant lady!”

And I can't tell you how dirty I felt at that moment!

Too Much Caffeine

Anxiety is starting to decrease. Scott is really trying so hard to be supportive. I had a much better night of sleep even if someone called early in the a.m. when I was planning on sleeping in, to let me know I had a 10:00 meeting with our pastor. I couldn't go to sleep after that. I got about 6 hours of sleep minus the 4 trips to the bathroom. It ALMOST could count for sleepwalking though.

I didn't take a nap. After my meeting, which lasted nearly 2 hours, I picked Scott up and we took Joshua and Kelly to Tony's Pizza for lunch. This is where I feel guilty. I ordered a Diet Coke. Scott did too, so they brought a pitcher to the table so we could refill our glasses as needed, and I did.

Ummmmm...I think I drank too much caffeine...poor baby has been moving and squirming all day. I came home and started working on a project for the church, which I was determined to complete today since I have 2 weeks before the C-Section, and popped Hershey's kisses with almonds in my mouth as I worked on my laptop...great...sugar AND caffeine. I need to exhibit more self-control!

Yeah, she's kicking and squirming inside. It's all my fault! It's nearly 10 p.m., I've had NO nap, I didn't get my 8 hours of GOOD sleep, and I'M not even tired. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!

Growing Pains

She's getting bigger. I know because I'm getting really uncomfortable. In fact, I woke up last night and no matter what position I was in, I was aching. It is getting hard to even roll over from one side to another. I also had to pee, every time I woke up. She's pushing on my bladder.

I forgot how uncomfortable the last few weeks are. Thank God for naps!

Icy Waters & Fighting Sharks

Had another dream last night...we were flying in the sky, on a cloud. Scott was in control, he was actually flying the cloud. I looked down and saw the icy seas below. He could tell I was getting nervous being up so high. "Do you want me to take it down? Would you like to get a closer look at the sea?"

"Yes." I said. I definitely did. Anything to be closer to the ground. But there was no ground...just icy waters.

This part of the dream is a bit foggy now that I'm awake, but I 'think' that we decided to jump in the water for a swim. I was reluctant at first. Icy water? But Scott convinced me that it felt so nice. I saw Joshua was in the water too, so I jumped in just in case he needed me to help him get out. The water slushed around our bodies, and for a minute, I did enjoy it. Joshua told me he was ready to get out.

Then I became aware of the threat of sharks. There were some "bottom feeder" sharks that I discovered loved to feed on human flesh. They were vicious and cruel. I remember going under water and finding them. I rushed back up to warn Scott. We had to get back on the cloud and fly away.

But we ended up fighting them, wrestling them with our bare hands, wondering if we were going to survive.

I don't remember any more of the dream, but I do feel there is some significance to it. I just wish I knew what it means. I've heard dreaming about large bodies of water has to do with pregnancy, but ICY waters???

Anxiety

Back when I used to have my monthly cycles, I would know it was coming because a night or so before it would hit, I'd be up at night thinking about worst-case scenerio situations that could happen to me or those I love. I literally have to tell myself to stop thinking, because most of my thoughts are not rational or even realistic, and they certainly don't put my trust in God, they just feed my fears.

Now that I have less than 4 weeks until this baby is going to be born, I'm doing it again. My hormones must really be going strong. For the first time in my life, I came close to feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I was in bed thinking about decisions I've made, wondering if I'm screwing up my kids' lives. My heart started pounding faster and I had butterflies in my stomach that got so bad I thought I might throw up. For a second, I thought I was going to have to get out of bed...but that thought led me to believe I had to "get out of here."

Out of where? Where am I going to go?

The other night I was awake and thinking about the upcoming c-section. The thought of the epidural...not pleasant...then, the reality of how they perform a c-section. They are going to open up my body. Doesn't help that I've come across TWO articles about how easy it is for Surgeons to leave things in their patients' bodies, such as gauze, gloves, tools, etc. Oh gross.

So it's been bothering me. I wonder if they will have to drug me up to calm me down enough for this surgery. When I had to have my c-section last time, I was in labor for 27 hours, I'd pushed for 2-2.5 hours and by that point, I didn't care, I just wanted it overwith.

Now, I'm fully aware of everything going on. I'm not going to go in there exhausted like I was then. It makes me nervous.

One more dream to mention

Shortly after Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their baby, I had a dream that they showed up at our house. They decided they were going to stay with us.

And unlike many people would respond...we were not excited...we were worried.

Can you blame us?

We had no idea they were coming, and they didn't know us, so needless to say, Scott and I felt a bit strange about this arrangement. They stayed one night, basically going out, doing their thing, and then coming back to sleep. I do remember they wanted to spend some time w/ our kids and Nathanuel was full of questions...

So, we figured they were going to leave after that, right?

Wrong. They said they were going to stay longer.

How long? They didn't say.

So Scott and I started talking..."I don't even know if I have any food in the kitchen to feed them!" I said. "I don't even know what they like to eat!"

How long can we handle having these people in our house? I mean surely eventually if they don't leave it's going to get kind of old, right? Why are they staying with US? They don't even know us! They're rich, why aren't they staying in a more comfortable place?

These were all the questions we asked, and I woke up before they ever left!

Strange Dream

Last night I had a dream that I had a home delivery...it was quite unexpected, especially since my very own husband performed a C-Section in our home to deliver the baby! So I had my little girl and went to breast feed her and as I looked down, I realized it was actually Kelly I was breastfeeding. SHE was my baby...and she breastfed for about 5 minutes and wouldn't eat anymore.

So it turned out that as she got up and waddled off that I for some reason had to convince Kelly to eat in order for my baby to get the food she needed. I couldn't just stick the baby on my breast and feed her...noooooooooooooooo...I had to try to convince Kelly to breastfeed, and she just wasn't interested.

So as I was trying to figure out that dilemma, I also started to think about my surgery. I was waiting for the epidural to wear off and to start feeling the pain from the incision and it just wasn't happening...AND I was walking, so the epidural should have wore off by now, right?

Then the thought of my husband inserting that long needle in my back started to creep me out. He doesn't know how to do that! What was I thinking letting him do that? (forget that he actually performed the c-section, right?)

"Honey, did you give me an epidural when you did the c-section."

Oh good...he didn't...he just put me to sleep. That is why I couldn't remember the delivery!

So, it turned out that I never got the epidural and I was in no pain. I guess I wasn't going to feel any pain!

Oh...time to feed the baby...so that means I need to find Kelly who is wondering around in the crowd of young teenagers... "Kelly...where are you?"

So Much To Do...

So Little Time...















Finished painting the "baby room" and then ripped up the carpet/padding. Now the two little ones are sleeping in their toddler beds in our room. Scott started laying down the laminate flooring in one of the two remaining bedrooms. We're going to move all three boys in when it's done, move Kelly in the freshly painted room, then I get to start all over in the baby's room. Maybe I can talk Scott into painting it for me. I'm worn out.

I don't know how we are going to get everything done in the next 5 weeks. Seems near impossible. But there's no turning back now...

Third Trimester Woes

It hit, it's here.

I'm uncomfortable and extremely tired. Everything I wanted to get done before this stage hit, is pretty much still waiting to be done.

"Baby room" is painted. Finally. Finished it Sunday. It should have only taken about 2 1/2 hours, but it took closer to 6. I needed more breaks. I was so tired of painting that stupid room. But we can celebrate because Nickalodeon green slime, and the bright orange and white logo is no longer dominating the walls.

If it weren't for my husband's brilliant ideas, we'd still be calling this finished room, "The baby room", but nooooooooooooooooooooo, he had to go thinking about our current living arrangement and suggested moving all the kids around, giving Dwight his own room, putting Joshua and Patrick in a room, and baby and Kelly in another.

Now, this wasn't all that brilliant, Kelly with the baby? No way. I wouldn't do that for a million dollars. The two would make each other miserable waking each other up, then I'd have two cranky butts to deal with, which would make me the third cranky butt. No, I think not. But...it got me to thinking, Joshua would love to room in with his big brothers, if we moved the boys into the room he and Kelly share...well, the baby could have the older boy's room, which is the smallest room and the one closest to the master bedroom. Kelly could have the newly painted room and we could keep the full-sized bed in there for guests. Now that might just work!

So we went out and got a bunk bed at BJ's warehouse type store Saturday. For $200 it's made of solid wood and has rails on all sides, with a small opening to climb up and down. Doesn't match the other bunk bed really, but it is made of wood too, so I think it will work.

Scott has been hard at work trying to finish up the laminate flooring project we started last fall. Yeah, it's been almost a year and still haven't finished. Last night Dwight and I ripped up the majority of the carpet/padding in the "used-to-be-baby-room." This should be the easiest room by far to install the flooring, but it's the biggest room after the master room. Then we'll just have bathrooms.

Wow, am I mumbling about rooms or what? It's because I'm a zombie. I actually took a nap today after taking Dwight to his Neurology appointment. I managed to keep myself up until a little after noon, long enough to eat lunch. Then I went in my room and cried my emotional eyeballs out...hormones are strong and I'm dealing with some issues right now I'm struggling internally on trying to resolve. What to do, what to do? Have a good cry. Yeah, that helps...a little. Now...I can sleep...for about two hours.

I got up at three and made some preparations for our trip to Myrtle Beach. Kennel arrangments for the dogs, another appointment to get my van fixed now that the parts are in, yada yada yada. Then I sat there for about an hour...

Scott suggested we go out for dinner. Works for me. So we went to a local pizza place and ate, went home, and two hours later I'm trying to figure out how I can possibly convince my 3 and 5 year old into going to bed early. Yeah, not going to happen. 30 more minutes and I'm waking my husband, who's been napping for over an hour now, to let him know it's definitely bed time.

Then I'll go upstairs, try to find a comfortable position to sleep in, get up to go pee about 5 times, but when I do sleep, I'll sleep hard. 6 more weeks...and counting down.

Preganancy According to a 6 Year Old

I was getting onto one of the kids for pouting today. I said, "You can pout, but you really should figure out quick that pouting doesn't work with me. The rules stay the same."

Naomi said,"Yeah, I can tell because you are pregnant!"

I had to stifle a laugh...I mean...this girl is TOO smart! She's only what, 5??? and she's got the pregnancy hormones thing all figured out. It was just too much!

But I did explain to her that I really am THAT crazy all the time, not just when I'm pregnant!

30 Weeks...

I have 9 weeks left and I feel gi-normouos! But would you believe some days I feel skinnier than others? I think she was especially sticking out this day - Wednesday...

I have to go now, she's pushing at the top of my belly,which is pressing her head against my bladder and if I don't empty my bladder soon, she is going to do it for me!

Oh yes, and the stretch marks are from my previous pregnancy...when I was about 30 lbs heavier!