At What Point Will This Just Seem Ridiculous???

Read this article about the increase in C-Section Rates in the Bay State.

I'm Just Going To Get Real About My Feelings On Childbirth

I’ve been in a funk. Sure, Scott being gone might have something to do with it, but I honestly believe that if he was here, the things I’ve been questioning would have just been put on hold and I wouldn’t have dealt with them until I was absolutely forced to.

So I’ve been forced to look at some things and now it’s time for some honesty.

This pregnancy has me scared. For some reason, I’m scared out of my wits. I know that hormones play a part, but I have days where I’m thinking random crazy thoughts, like:

Somethings wrong. I can just feel it. Something bad is about to happen.

Is something wrong with my baby? Something just doesn’t feel right.

I can’t do this. I can’t go through this pregnancy. I’m just not strong enough, I don’t have the energy! (Melissa, you LOVE being pregnant. What are you talking about?)

Ugh, I can’t stay in a hospital for three days again! I don’t want to sit around in a bed and be bored out of my mind!

And that’s when it me! I’ve been seriously considering a VBAC birth this time around. I actually thought about it with Madison, but all it took was for me to hit one website with a couple’s tragic story of how they lost their baby due to a VBAC delivery gone wrong and I was done. When I went into labor the morning I was scheduled for a C-Section, I briefly reconsidered trying a VBAC delivery again, but after talking to my doctor, he convinced me that I should just go with the c-section. Now don’t get me wrong, he was a GREAT Dr. and I felt he took great care of me, but I didn’t have the confidence that if something went wrong, that he was fully prepared, and he didn’t feel confident that I could deliver vaginally, and I figured if my doctor said I couldn’t do it, well, then I probably couldn’t do it.

And that got me to thinking about my first delivery. They induced me a week early with Joshua because I had pre-eclampsia and things got so bad they decided to “call me in to talk about a plan” and once I showed up, they said, “Here’s your room.” That’s when they started the very painful induction, including inserting a balloon up me to help me dialate. It took the nurse forever to do that and I was in complete agony. They continued to increase the pitocin throughout the night, and after 12 hours of hard labor, I was asking for relief from my pain.

24 1/2 hours later and it was finally time to push. I pushed and pushed for 2 1/2 hours but Joshua’s head wouldn’t budge. They checked, and I heard the doctor say, “She’s too tired to continue pushing. We’ll just schedule a C-Section.” At that point I was so damn drugged up that even though inside I was thinking, “No I’m not! I could keep pushing!” I didn’t say anything. And since I was so damn drugged up, I looked at my mom who was crying for me and I said, “I don’t even care. I just want this to be over with.”

And now I think about it and I wonder. What if the doctor said, “How do you feel Melissa? Do you feel like you can keep pushing or would you like us to cut you open and then staple you shut in a quickie surgery that is way more convenient for us and will cost you 6 weeks of your life to recover and a year of post-partum depression?” I’m thinking I would have said, “I’ll keep pushing!” How I wish I’d said something now! How I wish I’d stayed off the drugs. But I guess the past is in the past.

Still, I never gave myself the chance to mourn. I rationalized my silence over the matter with the idea that something bad could have happened to the baby (even though he was in NO distress during my labor). The truth is, I felt like less of a woman because I didn’t give birth to my babies the way God created me to. I’m not saying that I am less of a woman, but this is how I feel. I feel that I wasn’t given the chance. I feel like I didn’t have the support and encouragement I needed to succeed in childbirth. I feel like I needed someone to believe in me and speak up for me when I couldn’t. But we’re all so used to letting the doctor tell us what we are and aren’t capable of that we’ve forgotten that they are there to help us, we are paying them for their services yet we are letting them make major medical decisions that impact our lives, not theirs!

My only concern is that my risk for a uterin rupture is higher because my last pregnancy/delivery won’t have been 2 years apart from this pregnancy. Fortunately, I did find a doctor who has an “Open philosophy” to childbirth and has experience with not only natural drug free birth, but VBAC. I will talk to him about the risks after my first ultrasound (which has yet to be scheduled!)

But after going online and researching and thinking about things, I’m starting to feel better about this. If I never try, then I feel like I’ve truly failed, but if I at least give it my all - if I eat healthy, excercise, read up, take classes, do everything in my power to succeed in a natural childbirth, then if I fail, at least I can say that it just wasn’t meant to be.

So I’m off on a mission to start researching and learning and reading up on everything that I can. I admit with my raging hormones I’m probably going to still be in a bit of a funk until I’ve come to terms with the fact that maybe things could have been different with my last two childbirth experiences.

I tend to be a chicken shit at times and make decisons based off my fear. I’ll do anything to prevent a tragedy! So I’m thinking this time that I need to pray real hard about the motivation behind my decisions and if I still feel at peace about doing this, then I do this all the way.

Wow. I know this is completely off subject, but I never thought I’d cuss and talk about praying in the same paragraph! I’m totally hormonal!

Letter To Madison

September 18, 2006

Dear Madison,

11 days old and you’ve already captured my heart in a way I didn’t know possible. I can’t stop crying, partially because of all the hormonal changes going on, and partially because I am overwhelmed with joy and awe at the fact that God would choose to bless me with such a sweet child.

I truly believed I’d never have another opportunity to give birth to another child again after having Joshua. When I was pregnant with him, I heard God so clearly ask me if I’d be willing to give up having any more children in order to adopt. How could I say no? “God, I can’t imagine ignoring a child in need so I could bear a child of my own.”

I remember climbing on your daddy’s lap as I cried and told him what God had asked of me. My answer was purely obedient, but nonetheless, a sacrifice, because I knew I’d want to do this again. I’ve always wanted to have several children. But Scott agreed that we should stay open and obedient to God’s will, and that it would be wrong to turn our backs on a child in need of a good home just to bring another child into the world.

So I lived with my decision, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was such a source of joy. I loved nursing him until he weaned me at 11 months. I guess he decided he was done. I knew I’d miss holding my baby against my body as he fed off my breast, but he was growing up. Growing up too fast.

Then the years passed and I wanted to kick myself for ignoring some of the most precious moments Joshua brought and I ignored. Of course, it was years later that I realized what I’d missed out on - when he was no longer a baby, but a toddler, then a preschooler. I did what I could to pacify him so I could do what I wanted to do. I found ways to escape my misery while your dad was traveling each week to work and then I woke up to realize that trying to escape the loneliness only made me more lonely and brought about more regrets than dealing with it and choosing to cherish the moments I had with Joshua.

But we somehow endured your dad’s many weeks of travel and when he was provided an opportunity to work for another company, we decided to go for it. We moved to Virginia where we started the process of adopting not one, but two children. It was a long painful process, but I was beginning to see why God would ask me if I was willing to sacrifice my future children for the sake of adoption. Patrick, who was almost 8 when he was finally placed in our home, and Kelly, who was 15 months old when we got her, needed some serious attention and love.

Patrick had been through a lot and had never really been truly loved. He witnessed many horrors no child should have to endure and not only survived, but overcame so much. Kelly, who was lively and open, wasn’t quite sure how to handle the transition from her foster mom’s home to ours. I drove all the way from Virginia to Washington state with the three boys and my 16 year old cousin to meet Kelly, and ended up driving back with her because the judge agreed to place her with us the day before we were supposed to head back home.

The next year was rough but with God’s grace, we adjusted and blended into a new and bigger family. As we started to settle into our new life together, God began to speak to me again.
I remember my best friend, her husband, and children coming to our house in Virginia for Thanksgiving and telling her that I’d love to have a baby again, but I was afraid I would be walking in disobedience, that God asked me to give up that part of my life.

She teared up and said, “And God just spoke to me and told me that He also asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. It was a test of the heart, and when God knew where Abraham’s heart was, he gave Isaac back to Abraham. God was testing your heart, Lynn.”

I was surprised to hear that…and those words played over and over again in my mind for another year. For the next year, Scott and I discussed whether or not we should try to have another baby…when I wanted to, he wasn’t ready, when he was ready, I wasn’t. I think we were both afraid.

During this time, we moved again, from Virginia to South Carolina. That is when God began to move. He began to place the desire for another child on your father’s heart, and we again discussed if we should try for a baby. Fear kept me from trying. All the “what if’s” ran through my mind.

By November of 2005, your dad really started to put the pressure on me to start trying. I made up as many excuses as I could to wait. “Let me lose just a few more pounds first…”

In December, a friend of mine had a baby. The first Sunday she brought her son to church, she walked up to me and said, “here, you hold him.” Before I could even protest, which I was going to do, she placed him in my arms and walked away. I looked down at him and God spoke again, “I want to give you a child this month. Trust me and let me bless you with a child.” I fought back the tears, I knew God had spoken.

So I told Scott after the service what had happened, and of course, he already seemed to know, so we decided to start trying. I was doubtful I would get pregnant so easily, but within a few days, you were conceived. I could not believe my eyes when I took the first pregnancy test. I was having some symptoms and decided to take the test several days early, and it turned out positive immediately.

I woke your dad up and showed him the test. He opened up his eyes long enough to say “cool” and then went back to sleep. Grandma was here, so when she woke up, I showed her the test result too. She laughed at how quickly this all happened. God spoke and told me he wanted to give me a child in December and sure enough, he placed you in my womb in December.

So as the first few weeks went on, Scott and I agreed we’d keep the pregnancy a secret. I’ve miscarried before, shortly after announcing my pregnancy to everyone we knew, and having to go back and tell everyone we’d lost the baby was the most painful thing we could do. I did not want to do that again.

As I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I attended a bible study and a man I’ve never met before called me out and asked if they could pray over me and minister to me. I knew I was in trouble, but as he prayed he began to speak about things I’d never shared with any of the people at this study. Finally, he asked me, “Is there something going on within your body that you are concerned about? The Lord says everything is going to be fine.”

Another man started to read scripture, he said God kept pointing him to scriptures about bearing fruit and reproducing. Something else was said, referring to my pregnancy, so I finally confessed to the group that I was pregnant. They laughed and the stranger who called me out told me he knew I was, but didn’t feel like HE was supposed to announce it to the group.

Days later, I started bleeding. I lost it. Here I’ve told people I’m pregnant and now I’m going to lose my baby. But the promises played over and over in my heart. I had hope. I called the Dr.’s office and they told me to just stay off my feet as much as possible. I spent days on my couch, researching miscarriage and possible causes of bleeding.

Finally, I called the Dr.’s office again and asked them to please make an earlier appointment. They scheduled me in for a different Dr. I didn’t care who I saw, I just wanted to see if my baby was okay. I was in such emotional distress, I cried for hours at the thought of miscarrying. I needed answers.

So I went in and of course within the hour I went in, I stopped bleeding. “I promise I was bleeding!” I told the Dr. He did an ultrasound and that is the first time we saw your tiny little heartbeat. Everything looked great. Dr. Meek assured me that if we could see the heartbeat, my chances of miscarrying were very low.

So I went home and relaxed. Other than bouts of nausea, I was doing well. I had more energy this time around. As you started to grow in me, I looked forward to finding out if you were a boy or a girl. At first, I had my heart set on a boy. I couldn’t imagine having a girl. Again, my best friend spoke to me and said that God was going to give me what I needed and that I didn’t need to worry about my relationship with Kelly, that if I did have another daughter, God would bless me with an individual relationship with her. I’d be able to be close to both my daughters. That gave me peace. That’s when I knew you were a girl.

At 18 weeks, we went in for the “big” ultrasound. We got to see your face, your fingers, your toes, and the ultrasound tech confirmed you were indeed a girl. I couldn’t stop a few tears from slipping from my eyes. I could not believe that I was pregnant again. I could not believe God was going to bless me with a daughter. Everything seemed so surreal to me.

The same day, Dr. Meek called. He said they found a cyst on your brain. He said they weren’t too worried about it because they hadn’t found anything else abnormal…that this particular cyst could be an indicator of Downs Syndrome, but usually with DS, there are other indicators apparent on the ultrasound. He gave me the option to pursue further testing.

I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom and told her, when Scott came home, I cried again and told him. We prayed about it and decided we would not pursue further testing, we would trust God. At my next appointment, Dr. Meek assured me that this was becoming more common, because the technology used in ultrasounds just keeps getting better and better.

It was amazing how much peace I felt after giving it to God and trusting him. My pregnancy went on to be such an easy and healthy one. I had so much energy and spent the summer in the sun. As you continued to grow within me, the rest of your siblings enjoyed feeling you kick. I especially remember taking a nap with Joshua and lying with my belly pressed against his back. He could feel you kicking his back and thought it was so funny.

I think Joshua showed the most interest in the pregnancy and often held my belly as he talked to you or kissed you. He did, after all, pray for a baby over a year before I even got pregnant.

But the whole time I was pregnant with you, even during my preparations and painting, cleaning, moving furniture around in anticipation of your arrival, it was still so surreal to me that I was going to have a baby. I just couldn’t imagine really holding you, that you were really going to be my baby.

Finally, the time came to schedule the C-Section. Since I had one with Joshua, I decided it would be best to do a repeat. I did agonize over this and prayed about it. At one point I nearly decided I wanted to try to go natural, but as I prayed about it and got online to do some research, I found horrible stories of things that could go wrong during a V-BAC birth. I knew I’d never be able to forgive myself if I made a choice that could ultimately lead to a disastrous or even fatal delivery.

So Dr. Meek scheduled the C-Section for September 7th. It felt so strange to pick your birthday. It didn’t seem right. I remember almost crying about it as I marked the time on the calendar. C-Section – 11:00. I remember talking to one particular woman who worked at Tony’s Pizza about the C-Section, my nervousness about having the surgery, and how strange it was to schedule your birthday. She looked at me and said, “It’s going to be okay. Once you hold her in your arms, it will be worth it.” I struggled to fight back the tears, because for some reason, this stranger’s words gave me the comfort and peace I needed. I knew after that, that she was right.

September 2nd, my mom flew in. I was so happy to have her here. She worked hard in helping me get things ready for your arrival. I was so stressed and moody! I wanted everything to be perfect and I knew it was such an unrealistic expectation, but I wanted everything in order so bad! But having my mom there allowed me to finally relax a little bit, because I knew she was going to be around to help me at least keep up a little bit.

Two days before your birth, I stopped by the hospital to make sure they had all my registration information. “Oh good! We tried calling you this morning!” The registration lady said. I was running errands all day, so I had no clue…it also would have helped if the hospital called the correct phone number!

As I sat there to give my information, Dr. Meek walked into the room. The woman entering the information into the computer (Linda Meek) looked at me and said, “Dr. Meek is my son.” I thought it was so neat that a mother and her son were working not only in the same hospital, but in the same department in the hospital. It was so sweet!

As Dr. Meek sat down to punch in some information into a computer, I started having contractions, and my back hurt so bad I had to stand up. The women at the desk told me to sit down… “I can’t!” I said, “My back hurts too bad!” For a minute we were joking around about going into labor right then and there! But I didn’t.

After getting me registered, Linda gave me, my mom, and Kelly and Joshua a tour of the Maternity Center. We especially enjoyed seeing the different suites. I knew this experience was going to be so different from my experience delivering Joshua in the military hospital. I didn’t have to share a room with anyone!

The next day, I made sure I had everything packed for the hospital. The kids had their “snack bags” that they decorated themselves. I allowed them to make one for each day, thinking I’d possibly be in the hospital for 4 days, so we had to put the bags in two giant gift bags to carry to the hospital. I couldn’t believe I was about to have my baby.

That evening I was determined to get a good night’s sleep. I went to bed at a fairly decent time and was quite exhausted, so I really anticipated getting some rest. Then, about 1 a.m., I woke up having a contraction. It was a bit intense, so I couldn’t sleep through it. I figured I’d wait it out and get back to sleep.

Wrong.

I started to have contractions all night long. I couldn’t believe it. Not just contractions, but painful contractions. I hardly slept. By about 6:45, I decided to turn off the alarm clock and take a hot shower. There was no sleeping through these contractions. They were getting closer. 10 minutes, then 5 minutes…by the time it was time to get in the car and take Kelly and Joshua to my friend’s house, they were anywhere between 2 and 5 minutes apart. I was going into labor!

So, I felt better about your birth date, because I knew that even if we hadn’t planned out the C-Section, we would still be on our way to the hospital that very moment!

When we showed up at the hospital, I couldn’t wait to get to my room. I asked Dr. Meek to check to see if I was dilating at all. I decided if I was at least at a 3, I would try to do a V-BAC after all, maybe God was trying to tell me it would be okay.

Dr. Meek checked me, and although I was in the early stages of labor, he said I still wasn’t dilating quickly. He said it could be a long labor. I figured I’d already been through that with Joshua, so we decided to continue on with the C-Section.

The staff at CMC Pineville was wonderful. My first nurse on duty was the best. Her name was Amber and she took good care of me. The anesthesiologist showed up in my room and he introduced himself. He agreed to allow your father and my mom into the operation room during the surgery. I was so relieved. I really wanted my mom there.

I was very nervous about the spinal block, but Dr. Friend was so funny that he and the nurses had me laughing. He did a great job and once that was done, I was at ease about the surgery.

Finally Dr. Meek showed up and they brought mom and your dad into the room. It seemed like it was about 10 minutes before they got to you, and then I heard you cry. It was the most precious moment in the world. You had the sweetest little voice. As I lied in my bed, trying to hold back the few tears that escaped, they got you wrapped up, and cleaned up a bit and then brought you over so I could see you. The Anesthesiology nurse even took a picture of you with your dad and me.

It all still seemed so surreal to me that you were here. I looked at you and thought about how you looked like your dad. I spoke to you and you opened your eyes. You knew my voice. My mom told me that you had your eyes closed the entire time until you heard me talk to you…that is when you first opened them.

Finally they took you away to finish working on you while Dr. Meek worked on me. I began to feel nauseated and then felt a tremendous amount of pain in my shoulders and back. It was so bad I had to focus on my breathing so I didn’t pass out. The nurse offered to give me pain medication, but let me know it could make me a bit woozy. I wanted to be alert the first time I held you, so I decided to tough it out. I did, however, ask for the nausea medication. I did not want to throw up!

My mom and Scott followed the nurse out of the OR with you. Mom was originally going to stay with me, but I was in such pain, I didn’t want anyone there to touch or talk to me. It was just too much. So when they left, I closed my eyes and breathed it out. Finally, as they closed me up, the pain subsided. The nurse explained that I was feeling the pain because air was getting in (I believe under my diaphragm) from having me opened up and that once I was closed back up, I’d be okay. She was right. Finally, the nurses picked me up off the operating table and moved me back to my bed. It was time to go back to my room!

When I arrived in my room, there you were with Amber, the best nurse ever, and your Grandma and dad. I remember just sitting there waiting to hold you, but not asking to because I wasn’t sure what they still needed to do with you. Finally Amber asked me if I wanted to hold you and try feeding you. She placed you in my arms and you latched right on.

It was starting to sink in. I looked at your tiny fingers, tiny feet. They looked like mini versions of my feet and hands…but you definitely had your daddy’s lips. You had more dark hair than I anticipated, especially in the back of your head. It seemed so thick. Your nose…it looked like your dad’s nose. Your eyes, you had the same eye shape as Joshua’s – you both have my eyes. I wondered if they’d turn brown like ours too.

The next couple days was such a precious bonding time. You loved to be held and snuggled…you slept a lot and cried very little. Since I couldn’t get up to walk until the next morning after my surgery, your dad and grandma got to change your first diapers. I’d forgotten how tiny the first diapers were!

Thursday and Friday nights, you slept on my chest in my bed with me. We snuggled through the night, skin to skin. I still couldn’t believe I was finally holding my baby. Thursday night, your dad stayed at the hospital with us. When the nurse came by to take you to be checked out by the pediatrician in the nursery, your dad insisted on going with you. He was not letting you out of his sight.

The next night Grandma stayed with me, and the next morning, Dr. Meek agreed to discharge me a day early. With the okay from your pediatrician, we started to pack up everything I brought in to the hospital.

It seemed like forever before we got to leave. I was told it would be around 10:00, but it turned out to be 2:00-ish. Finally, we were discharged and I put you in your car seat. You were so little!

We made it home and your three brothers and big sister were eagerly waiting for your arrival. Grandma was with them too. For the next several days, you were held constantly by one of us. Everyone was excited to have you home.

You are such a blessing, Addison. You are so loved. The kids are always asking about you if they can’t find you. I can’t imagine how I ever lived my life without you because it seems like you’ve always been a part of this family – you were always meant to be. You are a precious gift from God and I thank Him every day, over and over, for giving you to me. I am overwhelmed by the fact that God would choose to give you to me. I certainly don’t deserve you, but I promise to do my very best with you. I’ll cherish every moment with you. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love,
Mom

Tomorrow's The Day

I go in tomorrow for the surgery. 12 hours from now I should be recovering from my surgery. I am nervous and hope I get some decent sleep tonight!

I can't believe it's the end. I'm a bit sad, I must confess. I've so enjoyed this pregnancy...after the initial scare of miscarrying. I'm about to meet my baby girl - the child God told me He wanted to give me when I was too scared to even try. The little one who when, within weeks of being placed in my womb, was then prophecied about existing within me as I was trying to keep it a secret. Tomorrow is going to be a special day.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited.

I'll be a bit sad about not feeling this little one move and squirm within me, but look forward to seeing her face and giving her a name.

I've learned a lot throughout this pregnancy, especially about the love of the Lord. He has been good to me and I am thankful.

What to Expect...

I was less emotional after my final prenatal appointment. I talked to the Dr. about the c-section and felt a bit better after knowing what to expect. The idea of being able to go straight to MY room right after the surgery sounds wonderful. Plus, I won't have a needle stuck up my back the entire time, which was even more comforting. Hearing that my Dr. has delivered about 2,000 babies really put my mind at ease...he looks so young, it's hard to imagine he's been delivering babies for 10 years!

This is why...

I did a little bit more research online after posting my thoughts on VBAC delivery and prayed that it would be clear what I should do.

The first site I came across was THIS. This couple shared their personal experience of a VBAC delivery gone tragic, and shared advice on how to handle the situation differently should a woman decide to pursue a VBAC delivery. After skimming through it, I was quickly reminded of the reasons why I opted NOT to take that chance. I couldn't even read all the details, their personal experience was just heart-breaking. This is why I'm not doing VBAC.

The 2nd site I found confirmed why I decided to do a repeat C-Section in the first place. The odds are low, but are they worth the risk? Is my life, or my baby's life worth the gamble?

I'd love to experience the kind of childbirth that women were intended to have. In fact, I'm still very sad about never getting to do this naturally, but the experience is not worth the risk of losing my baby.

VBAC vs C-Section

I am probably going to have my C-Section scheduled in August. Maybe even by my next appointment. But I hate the thought of going through that again.

I want so badly to do a VBAC birth. I don't know if it would be wise. My Dr. told me I am in the bottom percentile for having a successful VBAC delivery according to my last labor/delivery...
but my argument is they induced me a week early and my little Pacey was not ready to come out yet.

I've done research, and basically there are risks to both deliveries. C-Section, risks of infection...VBAC, risks of uterus collapsing. I don't know if I'm willing to risk (even though the percentage is small), the death of my baby or myself. At the same time, I don't know if I'm just taking these numbers and living in fear of what the "medical experts" have to say about it all.

I don't know, I don't know. I was fine until Scott came home last night and said his boss had a VBAC delivery. Then it got me to thinking about it all over again.

There is just something about going through the labor and natural delivery that really appeals to me...and I'm not sure what to do.

I feel like I'm settling with the C-Section, and I dread the recovery. C-Sections are painful and much harder to recover from...at least from what I've been told. It would be so nice to be able to have this kiddo and not have to be on pain meds for a couple weeks, going back in to have my incision checked, being limited on movement, feeling that awful pulling sensation from having my muscles cut through... I will admit though, that the baby would more than likely be born sooner and then my mom will be able to help me out more since she is flying in a few days before the C-Section is scheduled.

The thought of undergoing a hysterectomy sucks too though...or even worse...

Okay, I'm going to stop thinking about it all now...